So… there I was (as I tend to be), and I didn’t know what to do (as I tend to not). I had graduated from college and something about embarking on a career just didn’t seem right to me. Weren’t all those career people just selfish capitalists trying to make as much money as possible while disregarding the poor and underprivileged? Wasn’t the whole corporate world just a big rat race in which you either were left striving to get higher and never satisfied, or you got to the top only to find it was lonely and stressful? I’ve seen my Citizen Kane – I know what’s up with this stuff!

So I embarked on a journey of the soul. I read Shane Claiborne’s The Irresistible Revolution and seriously considered showing up in Philadelphia to join his community, embracing the simple life and caring for the poor. I went to India and browsed the pages of guru’s claiming that we are all one, and that if only we realized this, peace would reign on earth. I attended a new age seminar on the power of eating only raw vegan foods and got hooked, devouring every book I could find on the subject, working at a smoothy shop and then a raw vegan cafe inside a yoga studio populated by semi-Hindu’s and pseudo-Buddhists.

I lost a lot of weight.

But even after I started reluctantly eating hamburgers again, the idea of Eden had taken root. How could it be that from such paradise, we arrived at where we are today? Is it merely sin that stands between us and a world of abundance and love, peace and harmony? A world where musicians and artists don’t have to scrape to pay their bills. A world where blue collar dads don’t have to take a job that slowly destroys their hearing just so they can provide for their kids? A world where people love what they do, and are not slaves to their wages.

When I started my job at Red Robbin a few months ago, my manager told me he was “living the dream.” But, as you can see in my last blog post, my trainer openly admitted that only one in a million people do what they love, and the rest are left doing what they don’t want to do to earn a living. Similarly, I was chatting to a friend of mine this summer who made a joke about how dog’s have it made. Dogs, he said, can just lie around all day while other people feed them and they don’t have to do a thing. Sounds like being a kid, doesn’t it? But is that what we want?

This is no Eden, but in Eden, there was work. Sitting around and being lazy all day is, after all, totally unsatisfying. When God created man, he gave us the mandate to “tend the garden” and, in a sense, he left the world to us to continue his creation, bringing order and beauty out of chaos. The Bible begins in a garden, but it ends in a city, and I doubt that this city just magically appears. Cities don’t tend to do that. They are built. By us.

You see, the problem that I found when dreaming of Eden as being a place where we could all hang out naked and eat fruit was that I had rejected hard work. Being a slave to your wage is wrong, and no one in the world should have to do that, but rejecting work outright is not the solution – redeeming work is.

I took that job at Red Robbin and was inspired about serving the people who sat at my tables, but it was a complete disaster. I forgot things and had people tell me my service was terrible. I was always stressed and almost never on top of things. I had my good moments, but ultimately I hated working there because I had told my soul to making money. Meanwhile, whenever I was at school, I kept wanting music to be effortless. I felt frustrated that I had to practice for hours on end just to master one piece of music.

And then it hit me! Satisfying labor. Rewarding creations. This is what this music business is all about. If I’m going to be the change I want to see in the world, I need to love what I do, and embrace the fact that it demands every ounce of effort that I have.If music was effortless it would not be rewarding. Even the seemingly effortless improvisations of a master come from years of devotion, and the soaring heights of an orchestra ride on the back of years of hard work.

In the last few weeks I have stopped working at Red Robbin (which has been possible by some generous donations from friends and family), have poured my efforts in to my musical studies and have found it incredibly rewarding. I had a piano jury yesterday and all my practice paid off, gaining me much cherished praise from my professors. Today I had a conducting final that, thanks to effort and practice, went quite well. I loved preparing for it, and the excitement and satisfaction of seeing my efforts rewarded. This was work in its best form!

So I’d like to say that God’s original plan was to spend time with some hard working vegetarians in a garden that is slowly becoming a magnificent city. Gone are the days of wishing that life was easy! I am embracing this thing called work whole heatedly, and as long as I have the grace and favor to work on what I love to do, I plan to do it with all my heart!

I was telling my friend Ben today that the first time I was a server, it took me a long time to learn not to be greedy. I got caught up in the rush of making money, always being aware of how much my tables were spending, how much I had sold in the shift, what my tips were looking like and what my estimated earnings would be for the night. If I made good money, I was happy, but if things were slow, I was sour. My work revolved entirely around how much I made, and, while there were some highlights in this time (like the double shift when I sold 2,000 dollars worth of food or the night when a guy tipped me 53 dollars in cash), it ultimately left me being ruled by money, and on the days when the money was bad, I was not a happy camper.

I suppose this might sound normal. In my experience, a lot of waiters think this way, but part of the reason why I am so excited to begin this job is that I no longer do. As I was telling Ben today, I remember clearly when I started leaving this way of thinking.

I remember the day I decided to pay for the bill of a semi-homeless man who was taking up one of my oh-so-precious tables (we only got three at a time, and he was just having a drink and an appetizer and not spending a lot of money). I had been getting frustrated with him because of the hypothetical money he was costing me by taking up my table when I felt led to move in the opposite spirit, and cover his bill for him. He was thankful, and I was beyond blessed. I traded frustration and greed for the sheer joy of giving.

On another day, I suggested to my friends Jon and Kelsey that we pool our tips at the end of the night. Instead of each earning our own money, we would take our tips out at the end of the night, throw them in a pile and divide them three ways. We wouldn’t know who made more or who made less – we were in this thing together! And oh man, it felt great! Kelsey would pop over and glowingly tell me that a table left us a big tip. I’d get left a terrible tip and Jon and Kelsey were there to commiserate with me. And when the night was over, we had the excitement of finding out how much we had made together – and it always averaged out well, if not high! But more than the money, I was building friendships, I was feeling loved, and that made the night so much richer.

Near the time I stopped working at The Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. (the restaurant I worked at before), I think I had mostly realized that if I did what I did because I loved it – because I wanted to serve my guests and co-operate with my fellow workers, I left feeling empowered and loved, no matter what the money looked like. As I go into this new job at Red Robin, it is my hope that I will live that way. That I will do what I do out of love, and take pride in what I do as an extension of who I am. I hope that, no matter how good or bad the night is financially, I will leave knowing I put a smile on someone’s face, and loved the people in front of me well.

My Choir director, Dr. Joel Navarro, shared a video on facebook the other day of an Indian chef who quit his job and began feeding the poor and the dying. The joy in his face is apparent as he talks about serving food to and loving the poorest of the poor. With a huge smile on his face, he says “What is the ultimate purpose of life? It’s to give. Start giving! See the joy of giving!”

The CNN anchors who introduced the video clip about him said this: “A young chef had a great future, and he gave it all up.” He is referring to his “bright future” as his budding career at a five star hotel, with an upcoming promotion to Switzerland, earning euros and dollars. The irony, or perhaps the beauty, of it is that he didn’t give up his bright future – he found a brighter one!

Jesus put it this way:

“If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.” (New Living Translation)

And, again:

“Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” (NLT)

It has been true in my life experience time and time again that when I stop focusing on myself and start giving, I find myself so full of joy and life to be so rewarding. I smile more. I laugh more. I sleep better at night, and I live with a sense of purpose, hope and anticipation.

This is why teaching in South Korea this summer was such a rich experience. I wasn’t there for the money, I was there to serve. The money was nice to have, and I needed it, but I was doing what I was doing out of a desire to love, and that sustained me through the nights of less-than-enough sleep and the long days, the cultural differences and the many conflicts.

I believe with all my heart that we are made to love and that when we do, we are most fully alive. We are made to not worry about ourselves and to be in a perpetual state of ecstatic giving, filled with joy and love and pride in what we do. We are made to lift each other up, and be in this thing together.

This morning my trainer made an offhand remark about why people work. “Lets face it,” she said, “we’re in this for the money. That’s why people work. I mean, there might be some people out there who actually  do what they do because they love it, but they’re like, one in a million” I grieved inside as I heard her say it because I knew it was at least close to being true.

But does it have to be?

If I could have three wishes, one would definitely be that every single person in the world loved what they did. That they woke up in the morning with anticipation for the upcoming day, and they were inspired to excel at what out of love for their fellow human beings and as an extension of their unique gifts and abilities.While millions of people working just because they need the money might create a productive world, it will never produce the flourishing that I think we all, deep down inside, desire. For a dazzling world of creativity, beauty, harmony and love to exist, we must, each and every one of us, being inspired. We must love what we do, and do it together.

We must love each other.

Steve Jobs, the brilliant innovator, entrepreneur and inventor who was at the heart of the success of Apple and Pixar, in his commencement address to the 2005 graduating class at Stanford said it this way: “You’ve got to find what you love, and that is as true for work as it is for your lovers.  Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truely satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you’ve found it, and as with any great relationship, it just gets better and better, so keep looking, and don’t settle.” He continues, later in his address, saying, “for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror and asked myself, ‘if today was the last day of my life, would i want to do what I am about to do today? And whenever the answer has been no for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

Do we all need money? Yes, we do. But there is something we need more than that, something we desire more deeply – and that is love. When we stop doing what we do for what is in it for us – for the money, or the power or what we hope it will give to us, and instead start doing what we can to give and loving what we do; when we start serving and collaborating rather than competing, we come alive in a way that money can never bring. There might be only one in a million people like that out there today, but I believe the potential is inside us all to live like that. Lets live that way!

But I’m terrified.

Because its never “just a job,” – its a whole life. You start working at a restaurant and soon it becomes a part of you. Your co-workers become family, whether you like it or not, and the restaurant becomes a home. There are so many variables – will I like the people I work with? Will I make new friends there? Will I be able to rise about the tendency to complain about bad customers? Will I be able to take pleasure in serving regardless of whether the tips or good or bad? Will I be able to smile even when I’m having a bad day?

I feel like I have just stepped aboard a trans-atlantic voyage, and there is no turning back. I’ve met the captain and a few of his mates, and I trust them, but in all honesty, I just met them. I’ve met a few of my fellow deck hands, and I have no idea whether or not I’m going to like them or like working along side them. I hope I will. Either way, there is no turning back, and I’m not going to be sleeping a lot for the next few months!

So – if you’re reading this, please pray for me, that’s the moral of this story!

Thank you.

The night got off to a good start earlier that day when my friend Richard let me know that he could, indeed, get me on the guest list for the show along with two friends. Richard’s younger brother, Jonny, was one of my best friends when I was 12 and I still remember when him and his friends started a band (Seraphim, I think it was called back then), and played their first show in our school hall. Back then they needed a bass player, and I timidly asked them if I could play with them if I learned the bass (a fact I’m sure they don’t remember). The lead singer ended up becoming an incredible bassist himself, so needless to say I didn’t get the gig, and now, a good 15 years later, re-named as Civil Twilight, they’re still going strong, living in Nashville and currently touring with Jimmy Eat World.

Jimmy Eat World – the band that captivated me in high school and remained one of my closest friends throughout my first four years of college. Of course most people know them for their radio hits The Middle and Sweetness, and these songs are still some of my favorite up-beat, happy, pop-radio singles. But for the true Jimmy fan, these songs were only the surface, and I found countless hours of sonic beauty nested within the rest of their Bleed American album and their previous album, Clarity. Later, when their Futures album came out, I would go for long walks on the train tracks in B.C. and blast their songs at unhealthy decibel levels through my headphones. I remember back when msn messenger was the thing (before we had facebook) and I set my status to something like “Jimmy Eat World is the secret to happiness.”

And then there is Michigan, and Rob Bell. Yes, Rob Bell was there, and as soon as I saw him in the pre-concert crowd, I found myself walking up to him, shaking his hand and thanking him for writing Love Wins. He was, as always, magnetic, personable and authentic. Of course, while I feel like I practically know him through his speaking and writing, I realize that I am just another face to him, so I kept it quick, but it was exhilarating to interact with someone who I admire so much, and so unexpectedly too!

During the opening set, the crowd barely responded to the frenetic energy of Civil Twilight, which was frustrating to me. I wanted to shake things up, get people moving, but when I moved further forward, I was met with less-than-friendly responses from several crowd members and I realized that the line between starting a party and being a nuisance was quite thin. I needed allies – at least a handful of people who wanted to move, to dance, to mosh, to jump around, otherwise I would just annoy the people who wanted to stand still and listen. I found these allies about 5 songs in to the Jimmy Eat World set, and at least an hour later we were all a bit worn out! By the end of the night my voice was shot, my shirt drenched in sweat and I was happier than I had been in a long time. I had spent the entire set with total strangers, and yet we were best friends. We stood practically on top of each other, personal space totally a non-issue as we danced together, pushed each other around, caught each others eyes and yelled our favorite lyrics at the top of our lungs as we were caught up in the music together.

As I left the venue later, contently worn out, many thoughts seemed to be climaxing in my mind about the last school year, the last few years, and even the last ten years since I graduated high school and since Jimmy Eat World’s The Middle was a radio hit. They have been hard years, with incredible highs, and drastic lows, characterized by restlessness and many failed attempts at finding love. They have had their rich times, to be sure, but in general they have found me unsettled, striving to know what is true, looking for something more and thinking a lot about, well everything. As I left the venue and walked across down town Grand Rapids to the parking garage, I felt a new clarity (like that reference?) on life, and a few of the conclusions I had been reaching over the previous few weeks seemed to settle in, and make sense on the cellular level.

After a whole year as a music student, spending entirely too much time debating what constitutes “good music,” I’ve finally reached the conclusion that, when it comes down to it, it is mostly personal taste. Sure there are universal elements to music, and there are good reasons why I, along with countless others, connect with music like Jimmy Eat World, but on this night I didn’t need to justify my musical taste, or convince anyone else that it was right or better or true – I was just there because I wanted to, because I love it, no justification or universal qualification needed.

After years of searching for the answers to why I’ve had many health challenges, I’ve reached the conclusion that the most important element to health is love and healthy relationships. I can eat the perfect diet, I can have the perfect exercise regime, I can think the most positive thoughts in the world, but if I don’t love and if I don’t feel loved, I will be miserable, and if I’m miserable, I can’t be healthy. If I had stood at a distance and judged whether or not the music at this concert was good or not, whether it was healthy or good for the planet or pleasing to God, I never would have felt loved by the people in the crowd, and never been able to love them.

And  this brings me to what has made me miserable more than anything else: Judging. Somewhere along the line I got this idea that I needed to figure out what was wrong with the world, what was the root of all the problems we see all around us, and once I had figured that out, then I could be a part of the change. And while I will say that this quest has not been entirely fruitless, the thing that I have learned the most has been that if I live my life out of an ethical, thought-out approach where every decision I make needs to be justified, needs to be understood in the context of world history and a global context; if I structure my life around my understanding of what is good, I am miserable. I condemn myself when I don’t live up to my standards, and I freak out when my ideals fail to work in the real world. I look to others as a means of affirming my beliefs, and when they don’t agree with me, or when they aren’t who I think they should be, I hate them for it. I don’t take pleasure in other people’s successes because I judge their goals and their desires. I walk around in a cloud of despair and utter hopelessness because I have appointed myself the judge of the world, and according to me everyone, including myself, is failing. And this makes me miserable, so I try to blame other people but I know its not true, and I try to justify myself by believing that I am the smartest person on the planet and that I really do have it all figured out and that I really am right and that I might be suffering because of my convictions, but that God will give my justice in the end.

But if I really am right and smart, then why am I so miserable? If beliefs can be judged by their fruit, then something is way off in what I think. And that is when I remember that I am not God, that I don’t have it all figured out, and never will. That is when I tell myself that judging is making me miserable because I was not made to be God, and I never will be. That is when I tell myself that there is one ideal that stands above all others, and that is love.

And it is in moments of authenticity like the Jimmy Eat World concert that I find myself the happiest because I have stopped judging. I have stopped worrying about whether or not the music is good, because it doesn’t matter what other people think – I love it, and that is all that matters. I have stopped asking whether going to this concert is making the world a better place, or if it is healthy or constructive or what not because I just can’t answer those questions and I’m not there out of an ethical conviction, I am there because I love it.

And when I allow myself to love what I love, it allows me to allow other people to love what they love, When I allow myself to stop judging, it allows me to love people, and in turn receive love. When I stop trying to understand the big picture and realize that I am a small human being, just like everyone else around me, something happens inside me that makes me feel more alive, more loved.

I saw Rob Bell at the Jimmy Eat World concert, and I thanked him for his book, Love Wins. I know this book has been written off as heretical by many, and I haven’t finished reading it yet, but as I danced and yelled and jumped about at that concert, it seemed to me a reminder that more than anything, I need other people and I need love. And the only way to love and be loved in return is to give up my favorite habit of playing God and trying to understand and classify and judge everything and every person. It is only when I allow myself to be human, to be weak, to know that I need other people that I can feel loved, and when I do, love is the automatic response of my heart towards others.

This doesn’t mean I stop evaluating whether things are beneficial or detrimental, but it does mean that I give up my tendency to think I am always right and reject the tormenting lie that I need to know everything. And as I danced in authentic celebration at that concert, I felt a genuine love for the people around me, and I felt loved back, by total strangers. It made me wonder why church isn’t more like that? In hoping to live out the most important commandments of loving God with everything we are and loving other people as much as we love ourselves, could it be that playing God and living an ethical, judgmental lifestyle is alienating us from each other? How often do we leave a church because we don’t agree with the teaching? How often is a new denomination started because of a difference in opinion? How has it become that the very basis of our religions is understanding, truth and ethics? Why do we have to feel like we’re right and other people are wrong? And why do I feel more loved at a concert with drunk people than I do at most (but definitely not all) church services?

I think the answer is quite simple – we are all seeking love, and we will go wherever we find it most. The reason I believe in Jesus, and the reason I seek gatherings of fellow believers is because I have found, at times, both in conferences of thousands of people and in living rooms with just a few, that there is a love that is pure, and stronger and more real that anything else I have ever known, and that is what I am seeking.

Over the last three years, one of the biggest questions I’ve had in regards to my Christian faith has been in respect to the atonement. My basic thinking was this:

If God loves us, then he would punish us with change, growth, and redemption in mind, not revenge.

In light of this, why on earth would God punish someone else (Jesus) and then let us continue in our self-destructive behavior?

I have attempted to discuss this with various friends over the last three years, and have mostly found such conversations to be frustrating and inconclusive.

In such conversations, I have been bothered by a few things. The first has been that what seemed to obviously illogical to me did not seem likewise to most of the people I talked to. The second was the thought that perhaps I was totally off, and that the theory of atonement that I found so off was, in fact, the core of the Christian Faith. This was bothering to me because if this really was so, it would imply that I could not honestly be a Christian.

So you can imagine my relief when, half way through Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, I discovered that he agreed with me 100%!

I have been reading Mere Christianity with some trepidation over the last few weeks, expecting to find more to disagree with than to agree, but thankfully that has not been the case at all! This all came to a climax when Lewis came to describing the cross and atonement. He writes:

“Now before I became a Christian I was under the impression that the first thing Christians had to believe was one particular theory as to what the point of [Jesus dying on the cross] was. According to that theory God wanted to punish men for having deserted and joined the Great Rebel, but Christ volunteered to be punished instead, and so God let us off. . . What I came to see later on was that neither this theory nor any other is Christianity. The central Christian belief is that Christ’s death has somehow put us right with God and given us a fresh start. Theories as to how it did this are another matter. A good many different theories have been held as to how it works; what all Christians are agreed on is that it does work.”

He continues a couple of pages later:

“The [theory] most people have heard is the one I mentioned before – the one about our being let off because Christ has volunteered to bear a punishment instead of us. Now on the face of it that is a very silly theory. If God was prepared to let us off, why on earth did He not do so? And what possible point could there be in punishing an innocent person instead? None at all that I can see, if you are thinking of punishment in the police-court sense. On the other hand, if you think of a debt, there is plenty of point in a person who has some assets paying it on behalf of someone who has not. Or if you take ‘paying the penalty’, not in the sense of being punished, but in the more general sense of ‘standing the racket’ or ‘footing the bill’, then, of course, it is a matter of common experience that, when one person has got himself into a hole, the trouble of getting him out usually falls on a kind friend.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a relief! I can’t even begin to say how much comfort and joy these words from Lewis have brought me ever since reading them a few days ago! He sums up succinctly exactly what my thoughts were! Lets read them again, shall we:

“Now on the face of it that is a very silly theory”

Thank you!

“If God was prepared to let us off, why on earth did He not do so?”

Thank you!

“And what possible point could there be in punishing an innocent person instead?”

Again, a BIG THANK YOU!

I feel an incredible burden lifted off of my shoulders knowing that in order to be a christian, I don’t have to buy in to a theory or understanding that has made no sense to me! Thank you, C.S. Lewis!

Dogma is a set or system of beliefs/ truth claims that primarily function as a basis for group identity, I think. The reason you believe the claims is primarily to fit in to a group, and any question against any of the claims is seen as threatening. Dogma is a trap, and keeps people from being free. Many groups that include the word “Christian” in their group name hold on to dogma.

Truth, on the other hand, is essential. It is the very fabric of the universe, and originates from God. The reason for discovering and believing truth is freedom. If you know the truth that jumping out of a 40 story window will lead to your death, you will be free from making a fatal mistake. Similarly, if you know the truth that a red hot coal is hot, you will be free from making the mistake of burning yourself on it. Truth sets you free.

A little bit later today it struck me that the primary element of The Fall was mankind believing a lie. Belief in a lie proceeded original sin. Satan tempted Adam and Eve by saying that good things would come from them eating the forbidden fruit, and THEY BELIEVED HIM! – They believed a lie – and as a result they lost their intimate relationship with God and their joyous paradise.

Thoreau, I believe, said that there are many hacking at the leaves of Evil, but very few striking at the root. I’m not sure what he considered to be the root of all evil, but I love that quote! Too often do people focus merely on eradicating one symptom of evil, without realizing that for us to be totally free, we need to get to the root!

There are thousands of topic specific groups in the world that address anything from drunk drivers to orphans to disease to starvation etc. etc. etc., and while these are all noble and good causes, if we never get to the root, they will all be in vain!

I believe that governments themselves merely address the leaves of evil. Governments use force to enforce their laws. If you disobey the law, you pay a fine, go to jail, or in some cases are executed. This is essentially using fear as a means to keep people in check. While this may be better than mass chaos, and a step in the right direction, it does not address the root of all evil.

What is the root of all evil?

Separation from God, which comes from believing lies, perhaps?

Organizations that succeed in eliminating a particular form of evil will have accomplished something good, but if the root of evil is still there, another leaf will grow in its place. Similarly, governmental force and threat of violence will lead to a kind of order, but will never bring total freedom.

Consider Eden.

The first humans, in a garden, friends with the animals, at peace with their surroundings, naked and not worried about it, with food growing on trees! God gives them the task of cultivating the earth and being fruitful. They have the privilege of continuing their father’s work of creation! There is no need to work soul-destroying jobs, no need to stress over administrating the system, nothing but pleasure and peace.

Enter deception, and separation from God, and all of a sudden life is hard, and all sorts of evil sprout up! tribalism, war, empires who’s leaders make their followers worship them, slavary, rape, murder, lies, deciet, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

And how do we deal with these evils? Primarily through empowering our government to serve the people through the enforcement of laws. But laws can never get us back to Eden. Laws take us to a police state, where people continue to believe lies and be separated from God, and if less evil results, it is because of fear. This system is doomed to fail, and must fail, because the good is the enemy of the best!

What I am saying is that if you are at all concerned about the evil in the world. About disease, injustice, poverty etc., then consider what is at the root, and consider the cure.

Jesus came to show us the way, to give us the cure! We need to “repent” – which means to “think again” (re meaning again, and pent meaning think, as in “pensive”). This means we need to stop believing lies. He also claimed that “The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand” – which I believe means that reunion with God and all the flourishing that comes from it is still available as a present reality for us to live in! He called us to be free from lies and to reconnect with God! Not only did he teach that, but he lived it! He carried healing with him wherever he went, and he demonstrated a freedom from the slavery of the system – at one time demonstrated in his mockery of the power of money and taxes in which a fish provided the taxes! He lived in freedom and he invites us to do the same!

There is one thing that we need, and one thing only – to return to God through “repentance” (freedom from believing lies). This is a big part of “the gospel”, I think.

This blog is about God. God and me. Or, I should say, God and us. The essence of everything, really. I hesitated for a moment before starting to write this blog, wondering if perhaps it may be more suitable for a private journal, but after a moment of pause I concluded that I would rather it be open for comment. I, like most people I know, encounter a lot of mystery in life, and a lot of unknowns. As a public post, I commit myself to not taking a firm position, but rather expressing my limited understanding, including my questions, in the hope that it might spark dialogue that will lead to a deeper understanding of God and truth.

Truth sets us free and protects us from harm. If i know that a stove top is hot, I will not burn myself on it. If I know that there are not monsters under my bed, I will be able to get up to use the bathroom without fear, . So truth is important. I only came to understand that after talking with some people last year, although now it seems obvious to me. However, what I am about to write about in this blog has been stewing inside of me for a very long time, and has been one of the primary causes of angst in my life. I finally managed to talk about it for about four hours about a week ago with some good friends, and the conversation brought a lot of understanding to me and lifted a lot of the burden off my shoulders. So, in the hopes of continuing that conversation, here goes:

For a long time I (about three years, I think), I have had a hard time understanding the most common protestant interpretation of Jesus’ death on the cross, that is, the substitutionary atonement theory. I grew up with this theory and have been, I think, very well versed in it. However, a few years ago I started asking some questions about it. I think that the main question was this:

Why does God not want us to sin?

I concluded that the only reason a loving Father would not want his Children to sin was because sin was bad for us. I know that the only reason I ever want someone I truly love to stop doing something is that it is hurting them. Perhaps better said would be to say I would want someone to stop doing something because it is hurting us, seeing as anyone’s actions not only affect them, but all those that they are in relationship with, and even those that they are not. So, I reasoned, that God’s desire for us to stop sinning was because he loves us and because we are engaging in destructive behavior.

From this perspective, I started exploring the significance of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. I reasoned that if sin was indeed destructive and was, in fact, killing us, that God’s primary concern would be in saving us from sinning. An analogy might be a family member who is horribly addicted to a dangerous drug. They enjoy the temporary pleasure it brings, but overall it is killing them. You can see them losing weight, their eyes are sinking in, their relationships are falling apart. Now they’re selling their body on the street to get their next fix and are falling more and more in to destruction. Because you love them, you go to all lengths to save them from their addiction. You rescue them from the street, bring them in to your house, clothe them, feed them, care for them and live with them through the tormenting nights as the physical cravings for their drug wrack their body with fever chills and convulsions. You guard them from temptation, and keep them far away from it, and after some time they start to regain their strength. Color comes back in to their eyes, and their joy is restored. the addiction breaks and they are free – saved.

If God’s primary concern is to save us from sin because of his love for us, then the substitutionary theory of atonement does not make any sense. Jesus clearly did not alter the inherent consequences of sin – it still brings death. But perhaps through his life, death and resurrection he demonstrated a way for us to live that would free us from its power. Perhaps in the Spiritual realm, he conquered death in a way that unlocked for us a new ability to re-connect with God, through the Holy Spirit. But before I talk more about the cross from that perspective, I want to switch to another.

It all came in to clear view for me a week or so ago during my marathon, four hour conversation on this subject when my friend Nick asked me the question: Do you think God can be selfish? And on further contemplation, I have realized that this is the very center of my dilemna.

Is sin primarily about us, or is it primarily about God? Is God concerned about sin because it is killing us, or is he concerned about sin because it offends him? Is sin primarily a crime against God, or is it self-destructive behavior? I have been looking at it as the latter, but now I realize that the essential core of the predominant protestant understanding is the former. It is the view that sin is an offense against God, one that God does not tolerate and punishes with death. Death is not the inherent consequence of sin but rather God’s retributive response to it. Jesus’ death was not about saving us from our own self-inflicted disaster, but rather about diverting God’s wrath.

I don’t understand this view, but that does not mean that it is not true. There may be reasons that I do not know of that require death as a payment for sin, and that make it only possible for us to be saved from death by the death of another. This idea to me seems very epic, and in many ways instills a deep fear of God in me and a grave regard for the evil of sin. The idea that when we sin, it is required of God to shed blood is very sobering, and furthermore, the idea that God would sacrifice his own son – himself even, in our place because of this requirement is a chilling picture. I find myself wanting to believe it.

But as I said earlier, I do not understand it, and this is why: As far as I can understand, it is not coherent with my understanding of love; and as far as I can see, my understanding of love is not at odds with the biblical basis for love.

Jesus was, as far as I can tell, in no way flippant about sin. He was a rabbi in the Jewish tradition, and never once dismissed the law. However, his approach to sin was to overcome it with love. He healed sickness and told people that their sins were forgiven without them asking for forgiveness. He was not aloof in his relationships, spending at least some of his time with obvious sinners. He preached a way of life that turns the other cheek, that loves its enemies, that blesses those that persecute them and that overcomes evil with good. He called people to not judge, to forgive over and over again. In the story of the good Samaritan, he called on Jews to love those they despised the most, and in the story of the prodigal son, he painted a picture of God as the father who, when he sees his lost son approaching, RUNS out on to the road in joy, forgetting his son’s irresponsible behavior in his overwhelming joy at his return. A Father who clothes his son with a robe, puts a ring on his finger and kills the fattened calf to celebrate his return.

In his death, Jesus is the God who does not use power to control people, nor to smite them, but is rather God who is weak, and who speaks forgiveness in the midst of perhaps the most gruesome death known to man. And is his resurrection, and the outpouring of the Holy Spirit at Pentacost, the result is the preaching of salvation to those very people who crucified Jesus. Not vengeance, but forgiveness.

Later, Paul famously writes about love that it, “is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. . . always hopes, always perserveres.” He resoundingly places love in the place of first importance, saying “If I. . . have not love, I gain nothing” and “the greatest of these [faith, hope and love] is love.”

John very much emphasizes love in both his Gospel and his letters, going as far to say that the defining mark of a christian is love.

I could go on, but basically, this is my point:

I believe it is coherrant with the Bible to state a few things:

1) Love does not seek its own gain, does not put itself first, but rather considers others first.

2) Love is essential to who God is, and is the primary attribute of his regard for us. That is, God loves us.

3) Forgiveness, as preached by Jesus, is a free gift.

4) Salvation is primarily about God saving us, out of his great love for us, not primarily about God making a way to satisfy his honor.

Therefore, I still contend that the substitutionary sacrifice theory of atonement belongs to a theology that is incompatible with the teachings of Jesus and the Apostles. How this lines up with Romans, I do not know.  I intend to re-read Romans soon, with this question in mind. I welcome all thoughts and comments, corrections, critiques and commentaries. I acknowledge that this is not a complete dissertation, and that as the night wears on, my thought may have become more scattered, but I believe I have done a satisfactory job of outlining my thoughts, and welcome all responses.

January 29th, 11:15 PM EST, 2010

Her cousin was not really her cousin. He was a high-school student who had somehow found his way from Shillong to somewhere in Tamil Nadu and because, apparently, Shillong is a pretty tight-nit community, Tingkai was keeping an eye out for him.

Both of them had had severe cases of TB, and Tingkai had spent around 9 months in the hospital. I remember that one, or both of them, had scars on the side of their bodies where there had been pipes going in to their lungs. After recovering, Tingkai had worked at a call center somewhere in India where she had earned, from what I remember, 13,000 rupees a month. 13,000 rupees a month was, at the time, just over 300 dollars a month.  Definitely enough to live on in India, and to live somewhat well by their standards, but still not a whole lot. She talked about that job as if it had paid really well, and I suppose it did, in retrospect, that it did.

But my most distinct memory of Tingkai was standing in her tiny little studio apartment in Mahabalipuram. Mostly bare, with a mat on the floor to sleep on, a very menial kitchen and a tiny bathroom, there were no luxuries that I could see. And yet I remember standing there with her and her cousin, and her exclaiming with all sincerity how blessed she was to have that place, and how thankful she was for it.

Her and her cousin shared their meals with me, and made me tea. We both sat while she cooked, and then we all ate the chicken, or potatoes and rice together.  What little they had, they were happy to share. She even brought sandwiches over to my parents house once, and walked the whole way to bring them to us.

I had never forgot Tingkai and her amazing heart of gratefulness when I returned to Mahabalipuram this last Christmass, and it was with a grave heart that I learned the news that she had died. She could not have been more than thirty when TB finally got the better of her. I can only imagine that she stayed hopeful till the end, and I know that any time I am tempted to think that my life has been hard or unfair, to think that I’ve been dealt bad cards, or that I’m not as rich as I’d like to be, I’ll remember Tingkai and know that no matter the circumstances, The Kingdom of Heaven can come from within. No matter the hardships, God’s Spirit can overcome the world, and fill my heart too with sincere joy and gratitude, with peace and rest and thankfulness for what I have, and joy for the good things that life has brought my way. I’ll picture myself in that little yellow apartment with no beds, and Tingkai exuding her thankfulness, and I’ll remember that no matter what comes my way, as long as I seek God first, and his Holy Spirit in me, I will easily do the same.

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Obviously one of the key differences that conservatives and liberals hold is the role of the government. The interesting thing to me is that both sides seem to feel that they have the moral high ground. I would contend, however, that both sides simply hold a different philosophy of government.

On the one side, we have the liberals, who are all for taxing the rich and spreading the money around. The fact that the rich have so much money is simply wrong, and the government should do something about it. In essence, Liberals want to government to step in and regulate against greed.

On the other hand, Conservatives think that they work hard enough to earn their money and should be allowed to keep it. If they’re rich, its because they’re smart, or work hard, and in essence its because they have served a lot of people. If people are poor its because they’re not willing to work hard, so why should they have to foor the bill for those people’s expenses? In essence, conservatives don’t want the government allowing people to be lazy.

I used to be a financial liberal. Even before I read The Irresistible Revolution, I found myself wondering if it was OK to spend $50 dollars on shoes for myself when there were starving children in Africa. Then I went to India for two months and realized that, while us western countries may have had a part to play in the exploitation of the poor in the world, there certainly was a lot of laziness going on and a lot of untapped natural resources. I realized that throwing money at a problem doesn’t necessarily fix it.

I then moved here to Tennessee and was thoroughly indoctrinated in to the conservative way of thought when it comes to wealth: work hard, make money.

While this principle may be true, as easily observed in planting a garden or farming or any other sort of direct form of wealth generation, my gripe with the conservative way of thinking is with their very definition of wealth.

Its all well and good to work hard and make lots of money, but surely we all know that money is not wealth. Wealth is something that makes your whole life better, that enriches you, and money, even in large amounts, does not necessarily do that. Neither do lots of material possessions.

So what does?

I contend that the things that affects us the most in life are the things that are most like us, namely, other people. Think about it: what have been the biggest causes of pain or pleasure in your life?

When were you last in love, or shared a moment with a close friend? When last did someone’s smile totally make your day, or someone’s thoughtful inquiry into your health make you feel loved?

Or when last did you pass a homeless man on the street, look away, and feel that loneliness that ensues from the intentional blocking of the emotional connection you share with him? When last did you feel like the world was about to end because the person you were in love with didn’t like you back? Or when last did you feel the ache of hearing that someone you loved had left this earth?

The thing that affects us the most is other people, and therefore I believe that the true definition of wealth should be the happiness of people.

While this is not necessarily a new thought, I believe that when held up against the conservative view of wealth generation, it should be the standard. If we are to work hard, we should work hard with the happiness of all people in mind. If we see personal accumulation of power (money) as wealth, and think that we are isolated from our fellow man, I could contend that we are sorely mistaken. The ambition of all wealth generation should be to work towards a world full of happy people, because happy people are our wealth.

I must add to this that I agree with conservative thinking that hand outs do not help. While it might seem that a socialist government is the only option in light of Acts 2, the effects of the government taking over our responsibility to help our neighbor need to be considered. There is a vast difference between you helping out your friend or neighbor and the government sending them a check.

I do not think the government should encourage laziness, but I also think that if conservatives consider to think that they are really making the world a better place by ammassing personal fortunes, they need to realize that in some part they are contributing to an environment that lends itself to the vast majority of the country clamoring for socialism.

I could continue, but for now I am happy to make my point, that wealth – happy people.

power and freedom to the people!

It seems to me that a lot of evil in the world comes from a place in which we manage to de-humanize other people. In fact, I suspect that all evil in the world has to do with a disconnect, an elevation of ourselves above others, a taking instead of a giving, etc. But speaking specifically about issues such as abortion in which babies are dehumanized and labeled fetus’s, or the Hollocaust in which Jews were deemed less than human, or slavery in which black folks were similarly deemed, a lot of evil arose out of this dehumanization. I get these examples from Kris Vallaton’s book on Purity which I just finished reading, and which I highly recommend. So, bearing with me, if this dehumanizing is so evil, then is it evil to dehumanize Hitler? Hitler has become an archetype of Evil. people love to drop the “H” word when making an argument as if anything Hitler did is necesarrily evil. Surely you know what I’m talking about here… but I get the feeling that most of the time people have turned Hitler into a less-than-human-being in their minds. He is seen as pure evil, the type of person that, if only we could identify them, we would kill outright, no questions asked. scary thought! But my argument is this: If we dehumanize Hitler, are we not doing exactly to him what he did to the Jews? I’m not defending him, all I am saying is that he was a human being, a creation of God, and no less worthy of God’s mercy or grace than we are. no less. He may have perpetuated far more evil in his lifetime than any of us will, but we are all fallen, and none of us deserve God’s love, grace, and forgiveness. No more than Hitler. And not only that, but if we simply remember Hitler: the monster, and never remember that he was, as we were, born in to this world with the potential for good and the potential for evil, and never consider that he must have lived a tormented life, devoid of God’s love, and that he died a destroyed man, then we are doing to him what we call most evil in him: we dehumanize him.

what do you think? Am I out to lunch on this one? let me know! comment!